isthisallthereisreally

I lose everything....

   I do, I lose everything.
Things current on my lost list:
1. Truck title
2. 4 complete sets of house keys
3. D.L.'s lost count
4. S.S. Cards lost count
5. Whole un-opened packs of cigarettes who knows..
6. Opened packs of cigarettes hundreds at least
7. Lighters  same as opened packs of cigs.
8. Complete set of brand new screw drivers
9.  Brand new Harley Davidson boots
10. Debit Cards 3 this year
11. Prescription bottles with pills still in them...countless.
12. Dog wormer just bought 4 pills
13. 1 tube horse wormer box in bag w/dog wormers
14. Several left or right shoes, flip flops, and sandals just one though.
15  Wedding rings
16. Cords to almost everything that has to be recharged because I      have to hide them from my dog and grandson because they chew them up.
17. Large coffee can running over with silver change...didn't lose       penny coffee can.
     Now I am sire there is more on my lost list and I will think of it later because that's another thing I do, I forget everything also. Which is why coffee can was left for last because I don't remember if I put it up somewhere or if  someone decided they wanted it more than me. I can't imagine them being able to get it out without my seeing them. But hey I know some pretty slick people. I am sick about this last one really, it's my start shopping for Christmas money it holds quite a bit of change. I save it all summer. I thought it was in my closet but I could have moved it to keep my grandson out of it, but I don't remember. And if I did I can't find it. Where would you put a large coffee can anyway except in the top of the closet which it is not. I am extremely irritated by this.

Me me me me me

Yes me,
 I am without a doubt the most insecure person I know. I question everything I do. I question everything anyone does for me. Why did they do that, what are their motives, what do they want from me? Is it a trick? I even question this when it comes from someone I know would never do this. I have no idea why I do this. I also am one of those people who think everything is about them. If you look my direction when talking, I think your talking about me. And of course it couldn't be anything good you are saying. And even when I know people are joking I take it seriously even if I am laughing later it drives me crazy because I believe it. And go to great lengths to change something about myself that probably doesn't even exist. I am a very high maintenance friend you have really love me to be my friend. And that's usually the way it is. You either love me or hate me there is no in between with me. One thing about me is I am honest about myself though I will tell you I am a bitch and having a bad day, Don't feel like having company or talking on the phone. Sometimes I go for days without answering my phone. Can go weeks without seeing other people but then on the hand I am very social and get moody when I don't see people. Some of my friends and family have picked up on this and will demand that I get out of the house. These are the ones that LOVE me.
   I don't have a lot of in-betweens  I am usually all or nothing. That's my biggest problem, I don't know how to do something just a little bit. I can't love a little, drink, a little smoke a little, eat a little, and I don't just like things I love things or I don't.
        And when I am done loving something I am done with it. It is over have no need for it anymore. Don't want it or them in my life ever again. I have never been good at someone in and out of your life game. ( I am talking romantic love here not friendship love.) When it's over please go away and don't come back. Because if it's over for you and not me I will learn to hate you for it and that is the only thing I truly hate is the feeling of hatred in my heart. It is like disease, it will eat you alive, spit you back out and then eat you again. Best not to have at all. I think I am done now that pretty much ruined my mood just thinking about hate.

The day it all began...

   The day we got the diagnosis was no surprise. I already knew, my sister had been telling me for months. I knew it I just didn't want to know it. I guess that's why I wanted to believe his pediatrician when he kept telling me Barry Lynn was fine. He didn't have a clue. But even without my sister telling me I knew something was wrong. I knew he wasn't developing normally. but the actual diagnosis makes it all official like you can't take it back. But even though they tried to sugar coat it by giving the diagnosis of PDDNOS with Autistic traits and I was halfway trying to convince myself somehow this was  somehow not as bad I knew. I called my sister and told her, she said Amber it's the same thing he still has Autism no matter what they call it. I was still in shock. I guess you can lie to yourself long enough to convince yourself that things are not as they really seem. Then I was devastated. I cried harder than I think I have ever cried before or since. Not for myself, well yes for myself for my son for my husband and for my daughter. because I knew this would change all of our lives drastically and forever.
     It is like a grieving process you go through I think first it's shock,  sorrow, anger, confusion, the feeling of helplessness, and last but not least guilt. And this doesn't ever end I don't think, at least it hasn't for me. Which is one of the reasons for this Blog. I guess I am just trying to find a way to express my feeling and to share our journey...mine and Barry Lynns.
     There many days of laughter and many days of tears ahead...